Radical Acceptance

The DBT Concept of Radical Acceptance falls under the category of Distress Tolerance Skills. The concept is not a new one--it comes from Buddhist philosophy and even Epictetus' concepts of Stoicism. Painful experiences in life are unavoidable, however when we fight reality as it is, that is when we suffer. The only math equation in DBT says that "ordinary" pain plus non-acceptance equals suffering. Suffering is different from ordinary pain. Suffering is pain that is protracted, amplified and prolonged.

The word "radical" refers to total, complete, whole. Acceptance means opening yourself up to acknowledging reality as it is.

Let's say that you and your friends planned a beach day in the middle of summer on Saturday. You are very excited. The weather report says sunny at 80 degrees. You pack your new swimsuit and towel. You wake up Saturday morning and it is pouring rain! What?! This wasn't supposed to happen! The weather report said sun! Unexpected rain is the painful reality of life. You can choose to suffer by fighting reality: "No way! This is so unfair! You've been planing this with your friends for weeks! You spent so much money on your new swimsuit! Whyyyyyy? There's no way this can be happening...." and on and on. You could remain in this state of non-acceptance, fighting reality and suffering. You could cry and scream and object. Or, you could choose to practice radical acceptance. Acknowledging reality as it is--it is raining. Wrapping your mind around that it is indeed raining, and accepting that painful reality for what it is. Counterintuitively, it is only once you have accepted that you can consider real change. What should we do instead? Go to the movies? Bring an umbrella? Now you are facing reality for what it is and only now is it possible to adapt to reality as it is.

Radical Acceptance is not a light switch. It is a constant practice much like mindfulness. Every time you confront a painful reality, you must make a choice to turn your mind toward the road of acceptance. Once you've done it once, the mind will once again tend to fight back and close off to pain. You once again must remind yourself to open yourself to the possibility of acceptance.

Acceptance is not agreement or approval, nor is it weakness or giving in. Just because you choose radical acceptance does not mean you like reality or agree with it. Radical acceptance is not for others. It is for yourself. You are choosing it for your own reduction of suffering and that reason alone. Just because you choose radical acceptance does not mean you are giving up. You are acknowledging that right now in this moment, change is not possible. You are accepting it for now, not for forever or even for the next moment. The next moment and the future haven't happened yet. Practicing Radical Acceptance now does not mean you cannot work for change or a different reality in the future.

What reality are you struggling to accept? Try practicing this mantra to yourself: "I don't like it. I can't change it right now. I can choose to radically accept it."